Warning Signs of an Abuser

The list that follows identifies some personal characteristics that may indicate that someone you know or are involved with has a tendency to be abusive. These are meant as general guidelines to help you identify a relationship that is or may become dangerous. You may be in danger of abuse if:

• Your partner demonstrates ownership of you, or possessiveness, and/or often says things like “I can’t live without you,” or “you are my whole world.”
• You feel like your partner tries to dictate your behavior, privileges, or responses and opinions.
• It seems like your partner blames you for his/her problems or behavior.
• You feel like your partner tries to isolate you: s/he doesn’t allow you to see your family or friends, needs to constantly know where you are, or expects you to spend all of your free time with him/her.
• Your partner does things in public to embarrass or humiliate you.
• Your partner criticizes your appearance, weight, clothes, etc.
• Your partner angers easily.
• Your partner seems to be jealous of your children, family, friends, or job.
• You are nervous or afraid of ending the relationship because of things your partner has said.
• Your partner is violent toward other people.
• Your partner is violent toward pets or other animals.
• It seems like your partner has a dual personality (e.g., charming in public, aggressive in private).
• Your partner blames most or all past relationship problems on his/her ex-partners.
• You feel like your partner has no regard for your physical or mental health.
• You feel like your partner is overly attentive: s/he showers you with gifts or seems “too good to be true” early in the relationship.
• It seems like your partner gets attached too fast — s/he professes love when you have only known each other for a short time.
• You feel like your partner never listens to you or respects your opinion.

If you recognize your own behavior in this list, you may be abusive. There are resources that can help you take control of your behavior and end the abuse.

My partner is only violent when he or she drinks or uses drugs

Does this sound like you? Use of alcohol and/or other drugs may be part of a relationship with an abusive person. It may be connected to the abuse. To minimize risks associated with alcohol and drug use, you can take some or all of the following steps:

• If you choose to use alcohol and/or drugs, remember that this will affect your judgment and your ability to respond to a risky situation. Make sure you are in a safe place and surrounded by people you trust who are aware of the abusive relationship.
• If the abusive person is using drugs or alcohol, think of ways to make the situation as safe as possible. You might leave the location, or surround yourself with other people.
• If you have children, think about ways to keep them safe. For instance, you could help them find a safer place in your home or help them figure out how to avoid attracting the abusive person's attention.