Emotional Health and Safety

To build a safer, healthier life for yourself, you will need to deal with feelings such as helplessness, depression, and fear that often result from abuse. The abusive person meant to cause these feelings and you do not have to hold on to them.

You may find it helpful to consider the following questions and ideas:

What can I do if I recognize warning signs of abuse in a new relationship?

• Tell your partner that you don’t like his or her behavior, if you feel safe doing this.
• Consider ending the relationship.
• Tell a friend or someone else who is close to you.
• Talk to a counselor.

How can I communicate with the abusive person?

• Write a letter or e-mail if you don’t need to have a conversation.
• If you are going to speak to the person, plan ahead of time what you will say and practice saying it.
• If you need to talk to the person, use someone else’s phone, talk online, or meet in a safe place (i.e., in a public place that you can easily leave).
• Set limits.
  • “I am writing to you because...”
  • “I don’t want you to write back.”
  • “I have to leave within half an hour. I am only going to talk to you about the following things...”
  • “If I don’t like what you are doing or saying I will leave.”
• Ask a friend to be with you while you are on the phone, to come with you to meet the person, etc.

How can I make sure I am getting what I need and want from a relationship?

• If something about the relationship is bothering you, talk to your partner.
• Use “I” statements: “When you ___, I feel ____.” This is a good way to address concerns without sounding confrontational or accusatory.

What can I say to myself, when I think others are trying to control or abuse me, stand up to that abuse?

• Pump yourself up: “I deserve to be listened to. My feelings are important.”
• Name the behavior: “When you ___, I feel ____.”
• Suggest a constructive change. “I would prefer it if you ___ instead.”
• Think about how you would respond if what is happening to you were happening to your best friend.
• Trust your intuition about the most appropriate attitude to use when confronting this person. You may choose to be assertive or passive depending on how safe you feel.

What can I do to feel stronger and build supportive connections and relationships?

• Get involved with organizations working to prevent abuse.
• Consider joining a support group through UHS, the Campus Women's Center, the LGBT Campus Center or another organization.
• Look at libraries on and off campus and the Campus Women's Center library for books about surviving abuse, building healthy relationships, or working to prevent violence.

Stress

You may also want to consider ways to handle stress in your life. Here are some suggestions:

• Sleep — try to get 7 to 8 hours per night.
• Exercise regularly and in moderation.
• Eat a balanced diet.
• Notice the things that you say to yourself. Practice being kinder and more understanding. For example, instead of thinking, “I’ve really messed up,” you could think, “I don’t have to repeat my mistakes. I’m glad that one’s over!”
• Minimize your use of caffeine, alcohol, nicotine, and other drugs.
• Laugh at one stressful event every day — more than one if you can.
• Play — your body and your brain both need some fun time.
• Set attainable but challenging goals. When you reach them, celebrate. When you don’t reach them, set new ones.
• Do one thing at a time.
• Know when to take control. Being in control of your life will help reduce stress, but trying to control things that are out of your hands will only stress you out more.
• Focus on the present. It’s where your future will come from.
• Seek support. You may find support from friends, family, and others whom you know and trust. You may also find it through Counseling & Consultation Services.